So why are you here? Are you a photographer too?

I heard a song back when I was a kid which I never forgot and goes like that: "I used to love, as a fisherman who is rather amused with the net than with the sea”

It was winter of 2004 the first time photography appealed to me as a possibility. We were three relatively young Brazilian guys, recently arrived in London whose just moved in a sharing house. All of us were washing dishes, cleaning toilets or freelancing as waiters, to make a living, while attending to English classes. After introducing ourselves we spent a good amount of time around a beautiful Nikkon camera, while sharing a pack of the cheapest biscuits we could afford and a cup of tea.

The one of us who used to be a professional photographer back home was telling us about the bad and the good of a professional photographer’s life. I was much more amazed with photographs itself than with the stories behind each shot. He had a sound technical knowledge about it but I that didn't sound like the real explanation for those photographs so much better than my family’s album. He finished his speech with a melancholic tone in his voice and sadness in his eyes and expressed how much he wished to make it as a photographer in London. After handing back his beautiful printings I took a deep breath and told him that I just wished one day I could take such beautiful pictures as him, but I would rather do it as a hobby. He seemed outraged by what I just said and replied that photography was not a good thing to be a hobby. - You should know that photography means an investment of tons of money on equipments, studying, understanding the art of it and also dedicate a lot of time to it or - he stressed his very last words - If you think this can be just a hobby, forget about it.

I really forgot about photography till 2006. By that time digital cameras were already a reality becoming widespread among photographers and the other guy - the one listening to his advices with me back in 2004- called me.We went leaving in separate houses and we hadn’t see or speak to each other for a long time. He told me how happy he was for he had joined a photography course at university and wanted to show me his brand new professional digital camera.

We finally met and I was mesmerized again by that fancy machine and the new cool friends all speaking about famous photographers I never heard of. To be honest I never thought a photographer could become famous and sometimes looking at some photographs I couldn't even understand why they were worth so much money. I felt happy for him, but at the same time very sad about myself as I never managed to fulfill that dream of doing photograph. From that day on my heart would get tight for a camera everytime I see a professional one in the stores.

Not much latter in the same year analogic reflex cameras as such as Canon EOS became so cheap that I could afford to buy a second hand one for a third of my monthly paycheck. I immediatelly called this friend who was studying photography and arranged to visit him so he could give me the first insights on aperture, shutter speed, lenses what he kindly did and we became close friends again.

With that analogic camera I did my first ever conscious shoot. It was a warming sensation of connection with the moment, a soothing apprehension of reality, a deeper sense of seeing which fulfilled my mind with peace and enjoyment. I took my eyes away from the viewfinder for a reality check and there it was, a girl holding a white plastic bag. Even without the camera I still could see the magic in that moment.A tiny light ray sliding from her hair, to her face all across her arms to the object in her hands and when I positioned my finger toward the shutter bottom to take the picture she started throwing bread crumbs in the air and a white dove entered the scene.

Short after that I lost that camera in a trip without ever developing that picture. By 2007 I decided to invest on equipments again. This time I was giving in the idea of having a very good point and shoot camera, with manual lenses instead of a reflex and also kin on avoiding complicated digital menus. I wanted to concentrate in finding a wishful framing on a attractive background to choose the right f-stop with for a perfect exposure and a memorable composition as stated in a book which I was enthusiastically reading - Understanding Exposure, by Bryan Perterson. I was in love with a Leica Digilux II and found myself spending much more money on a hobby than I could afford it but I went for that. By that time photography meant one thing to me: the power to control the elements of it.

Many years had passed and I never found the joy of photographing again. My Leica became a decorative object on my living room together with many other books on the subject and most of my photographs didn't mean anything to me. I couldn't feel anything other than frustration of not accomplishing the same technical results of good photographers I used to see out there. I found that in this attempt to grasp others peoples views on photography, techniques, equipments, comparing my results to other works made me very unhappy towards photography and I completely forgot my own quest on the photographic experience.

So out of my frustration I sold out my beloved camera just after a key episode in my life; one day, I was invited to an exhibition by this same friend who studied photography; I was surrounded by a bunch of sound professional photographers and one of them asked: - So are you a photographer too? I promptly answered… - No I just happen to have an expensive camera.

Launching my website with my photographs right now its a very happy moment to me. If I make myself the question “What photography means to me” I would say that it means rather a hobby, neither spending loads of money, not controlling consciously anything for me. I found again a deep connection with the sense of eternity in my own being, in others beings, in a given moment in a given light in a given expression. Sometimes it happens when I look straightaway to the subject that brought about my attention and loose the picture but get the moment, sometimes when I desperately notice it coming or when I carefully wait for it and gentle touch the screen of my mobile, sometimes when I am about to delete a picture and decide to treat it on Instagram, Lightroom or VSCO. Photography seems reveal its ultimate truth in that short moment when I forget everything and behave just as fisherman who cares about the hook, wants the catch the fish but is rather amused with the sea.

#fruits